mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
