Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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