cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
