I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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