I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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