Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
