I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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