Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize