remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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