i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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