we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
