Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
