I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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