so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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