I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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