I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
