I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize