I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
