apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
