I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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