im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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