I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
