Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
