Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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