I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
