What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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