I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
