I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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