My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
