shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
