I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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