I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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