youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize