An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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