im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
