Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
