i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
