Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
