good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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