He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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