im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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