I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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