i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
