I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What a dumb baby whore.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
