just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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