i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
