I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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