my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Did you just see the Batmobile???
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
