im drinking this country out of the recession.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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