i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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