That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
