My liver just broke up with me...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
