i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
