im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
