i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
