haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
