I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
