I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize