Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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