It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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