So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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