i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
