I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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