The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
